Why Does My Toddler Have Such Big Emotions? Understanding the Difference Between Feelings and Behaviors

You're at the grocery store, trying to grab milk and bread for dinner, when your two-year-old spots the candy aisle. Within seconds, your sweet little one transforms into what feels like a tiny tornado of emotions - screaming, kicking, and throwing themselves on the floor because you said no to the bright red lollipops. Sound familiar? Let's be honest, we've all been there, standing in that fluorescent-lit aisle wondering what just happened.

Here's the truth that might surprise you: your toddler's massive emotional reactions aren't a sign of poor parenting or a "difficult" child. They're actually a completely normal and necessary part of brain development. The key lies in understanding the crucial difference between validating their big feelings while still setting boundaries on their behaviors.

What Makes Toddler Emotions So Intense?

Your toddler's emotional world operates like a car with a powerful engine but underdeveloped brakes. The accelerator works perfectly, but the ability to slow down and stop? That's still being installed.

Recent research shows that supporting young infants and toddlers with emotion regulation skills has long-term benefits, as parents who more often respond with close soothing tend to more effectively promote infant development.

Think of it this way: imagine if every emotion you felt was turned up to maximum volume, and you didn't have the words or skills to process what was happening inside your body. That's your toddler's daily reality.

The science behind this emotional intensity is fascinating. Research shows that tantrums occur in 87% of 18 to 24-month-olds, 91% of 30 to 36-month-olds, and 59% of 42 to 48-month-olds, proving this is not just your child - it's virtually every toddler on the planet.

Why Are My Toddler's Emotions So Strong?

The Brain Development Factor: Understanding the Construction Site

Your toddler's brain is like a house under construction that won't be finished until they're about 25 years old. Different rooms are being built at completely different speeds, and right now, the emotional wing is fully operational while the control center is still just a foundation.

• The Amygdala: The Emotional Alarm System

  The amygdala is your toddler's emotional alarm system, and it's already fully installed and working. This part of the brain is responsible for detecting threats and triggering emotional responses. In toddlers, this system is not only developed but actually hyperactive.

  
  

  Because the prefrontal cortex is still developing, pre-teens and teenagers might rely on a part of the brain called the amygdala to make decisions and solve problems more than adults do. The amygdala is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression and instinctive behaviour.

  
  

  Think of it this way: your toddler's emotional alarm system is extremely sensitive - it can't yet tell the difference between a real emergency and a minor disappointment. A broken banana genuinely feels like a crisis to them because their brain processes it that way.

  
  

• The Prefrontal Cortex: The Control Center Under Construction

  The prefrontal cortex is like the control center of the brain - it's responsible for executive functions like impulse control, emotional regulation, planning, and rational thinking. But here's the challenge: this control center is still under major construction.

  Under typical conditions, medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) connections with the amygdala are immature during childhood and become adult-like during adolescence and early adulthood.

  
  

  Recent research shows that the mPFC undergoes an extended development that is regulated by both genetic programs and activity-dependent processes. During this time, experiences feedback on developing mPFC circuits, allowing individuals to develop nuanced, age-appropriate responses to their environment.This means the "brakes" we mentioned earlier? They're still being installed, piece by piece, connection by connection.

  
  

• Myelination: Building the Communication Pathways

  One crucial aspect of brain development that affects emotional regulation is myelination. Think of it like insulating electrical wires - it helps messages travel faster and more efficiently between different parts of the brain.Results reveal a steep increase in myelination throughout the social brain in the first 3 years of life that is significantly associated with social‐emotional development scores. Right now, the pathway between your toddler's emotional alarm system and their control center is still being built and insulated. Messages travel slowly, which means by the time the "maybe we should think about this" signal arrives, the emotional response is already in full swing.

  
  

• The Remodeling Process: Synaptic Pruning

  Your toddler's brain is also going through a fascinating remodeling process. In contrast, pruning in areas involved in higher cognitive functions (such as inhibitory control and emotion regulation) continues through adolescence. The processes of overproduction of synapses and subsequent synaptic reduction are essential for the flexibility of brain development.

  This means your toddler's brain is literally rewiring itself based on their experiences - every patient response you give is helping build stronger pathways in that control center.

  
  

  Medical experts at Johns Hopkins confirm that temper tantrums in toddlers are developmentally normal and allow children to communicate their unhappiness when they don't have other ways to express complex feelings.

The Language Gap

Imagine trying to describe how you feel using only 50 words - that's what it's like for your toddler trying to express complex emotions with their limited vocabulary. When words fail them, emotions take over, often resulting in what we see as "misbehavior."

Overwhelm and Overstimulation

Toddlers are like emotional sponges without filters. They absorb everything around them - sounds, lights, smells, and stimulation - without the ability to sort what matters from what doesn't. The grocery store isn't just a place to buy food; it's a sensory experience that can quickly become overwhelming when their brain lacks the filtering system adults take for granted.

How Long Do These Intense Emotions Last?

The intensity of toddler emotions typically peaks between 18 months and 3 years, with gradual improvement as language skills develop and the brain matures. However, emotional learning is a process that continues throughout childhood. Research indicates that toddlers don't intentionally "throw" tantrums to manipulate parents - tantrums are outside a toddler's conscious control and serve as nature's method for releasing emotional overload.

The Crucial Difference: All Feelings Are Okay, Not All Behaviors Are

Here's where the real work of parenting happens: learning to separate feelings from behaviors. This approach, backed by child development research, acknowledges that while all emotions are valid and acceptable, not all ways of expressing those emotions are appropriate.

Validating Feelings

When your toddler is melting down because they wanted the blue cup, not the red one, their disappointment is real and valid. Instead of dismissing their feelings with "It's just a cup," try: "You're really upset that you got the red cup. You really wanted the blue one. That's disappointing."

This validation doesn't mean giving in to demands - it means acknowledging their internal experience while still maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Setting Behavioral Boundaries

While we validate the feeling, we still maintain boundaries around behavior: "It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to throw things. When you're ready, we can use words to talk about your feelings."

What Science Tells Us About Toddler vs. Adult Brain Differences

Understanding the specific differences between toddler and adult brains helps explain why your little one can't just "calm down" on command the way adults can.

Speed of Processing

Adult brains have fully insulated pathways, allowing for rapid communication between the emotional alarm system and the control center. In toddlers, these pathways are still under construction. The message from the control center arrives too slowly to stop the emotional response before it happens.

The Development Timeline

From birth to age 5, a child's brain develops more than any other time in life. Early brain development impacts a child's ability to learn and regulate emotions. Here's what's happening at different stages:

• 0-2 years: Emotional alarm system is fully developed and highly sensitive

• 2-3 years: Peak of emotional intensity due to the imbalance between emotion and control

• 3-5 years: Control center begins making stronger connections

• Adolescence: Major brain remodeling continues

• Mid-20s: Brain development finally complete

Why Co-Regulation Works

Early brain development research shows that of all that brain science has taught us over the last 30 years, one of the clearest findings is that early brain development is directly influenced by babies' day-to-day interactions with their caregivers.

When you stay calm during your toddler's emotional storm, you're literally lending them your fully-developed control center. Your regulated nervous system helps regulate theirs - this is called co-regulation, and it's not just psychological comfort; it's neuroscience in action.

The Role of Stress Hormones

In adults, the control center can override emotional responses by regulating stress hormones like cortisol. In toddlers, this system is immature, meaning stress hormones flood their developing brain without the regulatory mechanisms to manage them effectively.

Research reveals that caring relationships buffer this stress response and actually shape how these regulatory systems develop. Every time you respond with patience instead of frustration, you're helping build your toddler's future emotional regulation capabilities.

When to Seek Additional Support

While intense emotions are normal, consider consulting a pediatrician or child development specialist if:

• Tantrums last longer than 30 minutes regularly

• Your child seems to have difficulty recovering from emotional episodes

• Aggressive behaviors are frequent or escalating

• You're feeling overwhelmed and need additional strategies

Building Emotional Intelligence for Life

Remember, you're not just surviving the toddler years - you're laying the foundation for your child's lifelong emotional intelligence. Every time you validate their feelings while maintaining appropriate boundaries, you're teaching them that:

• Their emotions matter and are valid

• There are appropriate ways to express feelings

• They can trust you to help them navigate big emotions

• They are capable of learning self-regulation skills

The Long Game: Why This Approach Matters

Recent research on social and emotional learning shows that developing skills such as emotional regulation, cooperation, and goal achievement in early childhood has lasting benefits. When we help toddlers understand that feelings are always okay while teaching appropriate behaviors, we're giving them tools they'll use for the rest of their lives.

Think of it like this: you're not just managing a tantrum in aisle seven - you're teaching your future teenager how to handle disappointment, helping your future adult navigate workplace stress, and building the emotional foundation for all their future relationships. Its hard being a pearent and we also dont always get everything right Check out our blog What happens when we mess up?

Your Toddler Is Learning, Not Manipulating

That seemingly defiant behavior? It's actually your toddler's developing brain doing exactly what it's supposed to do. Child development experts confirm that toddlers often have tantrums because they lack the skills to handle big emotions like anger and frustration, not because they're trying to manipulate parents.

This reframe changes everything. Instead of feeling frustrated by your toddler's big emotions, you can approach them with curiosity and compassion, knowing that you're witnessing normal brain development in action. Their brain is under construction, and every experience is helping build those crucial connections between the emotional alarm system and the control center.

Your toddler's big emotions aren't a bug in their system - they're a feature. By understanding the difference between feelings and behaviors, you're giving your child the greatest gift possible: the knowledge that they are understood, their emotions matter, and they can learn to navigate their inner world with confidence.

If you're feeling overwhelmed and would like personalized support in navigating your toddler's emotional development, consider booking a consultation or joining our membership community for ongoing guidance and support.

Frequently Asked Questions

References

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2. Johns Hopkins Medicine. (2024). When to worry about toddler temper tantrums. Johns Hopkins Health. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/babies-and-toddlers-discipline/when-to-worry-about-toddler-temper-tantrums

3. BMC Psychology. (2024). Enhancing social-emotional skills in early childhood: Intervention study on the effectiveness of social and emotional learning. https://bmcpsychology.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40359-024-02280-w

4. Kiel, E. J., et al. (2024). Supporting young infants and toddlers with emotion regulation skills has long-term benefits. OpenStax Lifespan Development. https://openstax.org/books/lifespan-development/pages/4-3-emotional-development-in-infants-and-toddlers

5. Raising Children Network. (2024). Teenage brain development. Australian Parenting Website. https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens

6. Nature Neuropsychopharmacology. (2025). Prefrontal cortex development and its implications in mental illness. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41386-025-02154-8

7. Gee, D. G., et al. (2013). Early developmental emergence of human amygdala–prefrontal connectivity after maternal deprivation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1307893110

8. Larsen, B., et al. (2022). Connecting inside out: Development of the social brain in infants and toddlers with a focus on myelination as a marker of brain maturation. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience. PMC9290142

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